From the monthly archives:
Why has the entire world gone mushy at the knees because of Paul Hochman’s interview with Bill Gates (NO hyperlink necessary) on the Today show which aired in the US on Wednesday May 30th 2007.
So Bill, you’ve done it again. You stole someone else’s idea. Nothing new here, you started stealing other people’s shit back in the days of DOS. You do remember Seattle Computer Corporation & Tim Patterson, don’t you?
Plus a change, plus c’est la meme chose…….
It’s long been known that, when confronted with a problem that appears difficult/impossible to solve, the person concerned should seek a temporary diversionary activity. What this does is to allow the brain to quietly process the problem “in the background” while involved in something else. Upon returning to the problem, it has been found that frequently a solution presents itself. We humans appear to have a remarkable multitasking aptitude, and this is serves as a particularly striking example of this capability in action.
I have a report to write, and that’s proving to be an enormous challenge to come up with the right “tone”. Although not adhering to the strict definition of “writers block” (in that I can write something, but it just doesn’t look/sound/feel right) it nevertheless conforms in broad terms to being classified as “a problem”. Clearly therefore, dogshit needs to go into problem solving mode. Being an earnest practitioner of advanced problem solving techniques, this writer decided upon a carefully crafted series of diversionary activities, as described in general terms in the first paragraph of this narrative.
Here’s the program:
1. Have a beer
Long known as a useful diversionary activity, enjoying a freshly squeezed beer can produce occasionally dramatic results upon returning to the problem. Result: no output. Ah well, it’s time to go to the next step.
2. Have another beer
If one didn’t work, two might. Result: Still no output. Hmm…Time to go on to the next step
3. Have another beer
If two failed to produce any results, three might. Result: zero Time to go on to the next step
4. Have yet another beer
If three didn’t achieve the objective, four might provide some measure of intellectual lubrication. Result: slight buzz, but no output. Damn! It’s time to go on to the next step in the hope of unjamming my thought processes.
5. Do something else completely different (while having yet another beer)
In this instance, I decided to upgrade some software to the latest version. For good measure I had two more beers while doing so. The more resources I throw at solving this problem, the better. Result: up to date software, but no breakthrough in the report writing department. OK, we boldly venture onwards, firm in the belief that a solution will eventually present itself.
6. Have another beer, then do something else completely different
You will note that I’m really mixing the sequence of problem solving diversionary activities because I’m really serious about developing an answer here. I decided to enjoy another freshly squeezed beer, then go for a walk around the neighborhood. Bulletproof technique at work! Confidence is high that the much needed “eureka” moment will occur. There was a slight hitch, after finishing my [xx] beer I realized that I was going to have some issues walking around the neighborhood at 12:15 in the afternoon, drunk out of my head, so somewhat irrationally, I decided to bike instead. Result: I fell off my bike about 500 meters from the house, pissed in a neighbors’ hedge (because I badly needed to go to the bathroom, I don’t – sorry didn’t – have any issues with that homeowner) and still didn’t experience any significant mental advancement in report composition.
7. Have a beer and consider the process flow thus far
By this time I know I’m in deep shit. I’m as drunk as much more drunk than I want to be at 14:00 in the afternoon. It’s therefore obviously time for a nap.
[pause]
8. Awaken, have a beer, and consider what’s been accomplished thus far
Results:
Well, at least I made a decision! I’m proud of myself for being so clear, decisive, and forward looking. So, I’d say it’s time to have a beer and celebrate my newfound insight on problem solving in general, and this problem in particular.
For years I’ve considered Robert X. Cringely’s online personna to be that of a self aggrandizing egotistical dickhead, whose opinions are more suitable for reading by the unwashed PC-illiterate masses. That’s not to say that I completely ignore his ravings, or think that he’s an idiot. Far from it. The guy has his own PBS show, a Silicon Valley consulting firm, and has a widely read blog. In short, he’s carved out a nice niche for himself. Nice job Bob, and I do mean that in a genuine manner, it wasn’t intended as sarcasm. The fact that I differ with many of your predictions, opinions and rants is just a matter of editorial preference, and personal perspective. I do read what you write, despite the fact that I disagree – and on occasions quite severely – with 99% of the content. An open mind is a “Good Thing”â„¢ methinks.
As is so often the case however, even relentlessly self promoting boosters such as RXC get it right. In this instance, I’m referring to his weekly column “The Final Days of Google: It is going to be an inside job” published on Thursday May 24th. Nice job Bob, in this instance, I definitely think you hit the nail on the head. I don’t know where you got your numbers from, but even if you made them up, (or did some wind direction guesstimates) the concept is right. What I disagree with is RXC’s rather absurd contention that Google will cease to exist. That’s a fantasy, perhaps in the minds of someone such as Jerry Yang or David Filo of Yahoo. Of course, he’s not really saying that at all, he’s trying to say (in a not terribly subtle way) that “the next big thing” as big as – or bigger than – Google itself will be a concept spawned by one of Google’s existing employees.
Fair enough, that may happen. We welcome “the next big thing”. Bring it on. Any technology company that hires enough REALLY smart guys, pays ‘em well. and encourages & nurtures their creativity ,is potentially creating a future entrepreneur and founder of “the next big thing”.
I think I’d like to see some really interesting startups emerge from the halls of Google. In fact, I’d far prefer that than some of the ideas which have flowed out of the campus of Redmond. Why? The answer is simple; so often, individuals who emerge from one of the technology stables (IBM, Microsoft, HP, Google et al), bring with them the ethics and the spirit of the institution that they spent their wealth creating and idea generating years. Taking that as a given then, I’d far rather see an IBM or Google graduate creating another technology giant, than some guy hard-wired into a licensing model he learned in Redmond, WA.
Oh and Bob, I’m not adding you to my blogroll. I’ll continue to check in once a month or so and catch up on what you’ve been feeding the peasants, but please don’t think I’ve become a convert. I think reading what the other side writes can – on occasions – be most illuminating.
and why not?
A man walks into a restaurant, & takes a seat.
The waiter arrives and says; “may I take your order sir?”
The man says; “I’m wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
The waiter responds; “Well sir, nothing terribly elaborate. We just tell ‘em straight out that they’re gonna die”
There are those news items which simply resonate with you, the moment you read ‘em.
“BRIDGEPORT — Former Internet piracy consultant and record producer Bruce Forest yesterday pleaded guilty in federal court to using explosives to destroy a portable toilet in Weston….[read the entire article here]
WTF? The fact that this guy got prosecuted by the Federal Government is the really REALLY scary part. I can only conclude that it is because his [ahem] “offense” involved explosives.
Using these guidelines then, I should probably get life without possibility of parole. I have a history of “troubled relationships” with portable toilets. Basically, “back in the day” during my wild years, I used to find as many creative ways of destroying ‘em as possible.
THE best job I ever had – which incidentally, (and NOT coincidentally) – involved driving around the city of New York pumping out, cleaning, and resupplying…….portable toilets. It was supposed to pay for my studies, but instead funded my almost limitless consumption of alcohol, chemicals and my studies, but much more of the former and less of the latter than the initial plan called for. I lost the job because I hit a porta potty BY MISTAKE (I want to emphasize that) while someone was inside taking a dump. Thankfully the guy was unhurt, but covered in shit, because I knocked the thing over with the truck, and the tank overflowed all over the occupant. Evidently, someone made a complaint (I wonder why?) and by the time I made it back to the yard, my boss decided that a career change was required. So I got a job driving a taxi instead – which was a whole lot more fun, a lot less messy – and paid slightly better to boot!
Yeah, that newspaper article sure brought back some memories.
Edit 2007-05-30: check out these two embedded clips from LiveLeak.com
What started this train of thought off today was a Digg post, concerning this personal ad, however the OP missed the point completely.
Over the years I’ve had some personal internal differences with Richard Stallman’s philosophy, and also his views on Open Source. His Free Software Foundation takes what I think is a divisive and (speaking candidly) weird approach to what is already enshrined as free software. Eric S. Raymond has views which are – in general – closer to my own, but both are, as Tom Chance commented, “different faces on the same beast”. Beyond that, there isn’t much else that the layman can (or needs to) understand about this debate. Much of it is too intellectually opaque to be of practical value.
I admire Stallman immensely. Not just because of emacs and The GNU compiler collection but because he’s had the courage of his convictions, and held fast to his views over the years, often in the face of derisive howls from the proprietary and Open Source communites alike. Personally however, Stallman strikes me as an almost stereotypical product of Berkeley. He’s the closest to a modern day hippie that has survived in captivity. Most of the “hippies” became “yuppies” a decade or two down the line. I mean…c’mon; the beard/hair/sandals thing? OK, so RMS is a living dinosaur, we fondly acknowledge that fact.
Editors Note: I’ve never tried playing the flute to a server rack. Perhaps if the moon and stars are in perfect alignment, stuff happens, who knows 
Here’s another picture of RMS.
Keep on doing what you’re doing Richard. Somewhere inside that wild hacking/lecturing/traveling/activist life you lead, are some examples for all of us. We just need to read carefully before deciding where we stand on the many issues you carry a torch for.
Affectionately,
-dogshit
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
Bonus Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Jennifer during my freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since hell as frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Jennifer kept shouting “Oh my God, Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.”
Occasaionally, we at Dogshit Industries get appeals from our loyal fans for support. We’re always glad to help the legions of supporters out there on the interwebthingy, with anything from preventing constipation to how to get something or other to work. Sometimes we need to consult our extensive network of consultants and advisors, but mostly we can come up with something that resembles an answer, from our large pool of in-house talent. Today we got this missive from a devoted fan
Dear Doctor Dogshit,
I have recently spent my lifesavings on a new laptop. It’s a most handsome and extremely powerful Packard Bell, and I’m experiencing great difficulties in choosing a name for it. Could you possibly help me choose an appropriate name for my new baby please?
Yours truly,
Donald (Mac Thug) Diggywaller III
Of course we’re glad to help Don, consider this part of our online mission! We want to bring enlightenment to the world, even if that means long trips to lonely mountaintops in the wilderness, while we ponder and meditate on an answer to our reader questions.
In this case we’re happy to tell you that meditation wasn’t necessary. OK, we consumed a couple of about a crate of adult beverages while we thought about the matter for a few minutes hours, but fortunately inspiration came our way eventually. It always does.
Here are some possible names you could assign to your shiny new notebook:
packy: a possible double meaning of “pakken” and “packard”
heinz57: a possible double meaning on HP, (we mean the makers of fine sauce you can pour over any damn thing on your plate when it tastes like shit, but you need eat it anyway)
shitbox: no, we’re not seriously suggesting this, but we thought it was worth throwing in the mix, just for the sheer hell of it.
dingdong: Packard Bell?? naah, probably not.
doelie: “Bedoeling” as in “The Meaning of Life?” (translations)
dingetje: well, it is a little thing after all
pissbox: see shitbox above (we’re just loving that groove, is all)
wankstain: I wanna slap myself silly over that one
hamster: we don’t know why, but it sounds good
OK, we can expand on this almost to infinity, but we think these are some reasonable suggestions to get you rolling. We admit that there are some unreasonable ones tossed in there, but you did write to Dogshit Industries, so that has to be considered as an occupational hazard.
Thanks for writing to Dr. Dogshit. please keep those cards & letters coming. A donation is always welcome, but the last time I asked for a donation I got one, and it wasn’t one I wanted. After all, consider this for a moment; a loyal reader decides to help our budding agricultural project by having one and a half tons of cow manure delivered to us. The problem was, we didn’t expect a six foot high pile of cow shit in our front driveway. Sorry, as often happens, I’m getting right off the point. Never mind.
Thanks for the fan mail y’all, we appreciate it.
Dear Daniel,
Thanks for your invitation to come over and have a few beers with you and your family last night. It was a most enjoyable evening, and it looks like everyone had a lot of fun.
The grenade tossed lightly from person to person at the BBQ was an inspired touch. That was class indeed. It was hilarious to observe Claire passing out, apparently believing that she was gonna die if it went off. Perhaps I really didn’t help matters that much by pulling the pin and rolling the thing under the table where no one could get at it quickly. I knew it wasn’t live, but I should probably have told both Claire and your mother in law instead of causing one to faint, and the other one to foul her underwear by accident. Oh well, it seems like most of your guests took it in fairly good spirits. It was regrettable that cousin Tommy fled down the street screaming that the house was going to blow up because some maniac pulled the pin on a grenade. Happily his mental history in general caused the police officers to disbelieve his story and ignore the incident. Have you any plans to ask the mental hospital to discharge him and let him come home, or are you enjoying the peace and quiet that happens any time he’s locked up after having one of his “little episodes”?
It (really) wasn’t my idea to dance on your carport roof. That idea came from your mad brother in law (I mean the one who arrived dressed as Fidel Castro, not your gay brother in law, or the Judge). I must salute you for handling that episode with the police officers in a very diplomatic manner. Considering it was their second visit to the premises that evening, they really seemed to be extremely patient and surprisingly understanding.
The food fight in your living room was memorable. I don’t recall ever seeing a room as severely trashed in such a short time. It’s a truly unusual host who will wreck his own house to make sure his guests enjoy themselves.
By the way, whose idea was it to set fire to the garden shed? I thought your initial plan was to demolish it and build another one, not to burn it to the ground. That method was probably less work, but I think the firefighters made a bit of a mess of the bushes in your front garden trying to put out the blaze. It was sad to see the fire spread to your other neighbors’ shed, but I think that structure needed work done on it anyway. It’s nice that he’ll have to begin renovating it immediately.
I wish I had brought something better than my cellphone camera with me, because seeing Jenny throwing up all over the Judge was definitely something I would have liked to capture on film. Even better was the chain reaction that caused, so many other people started to throw up that only a movie camera would have done the moment justice. I thought it was hysterically funny, but hey, that’s just my sophomoric sense of humor at work. She barfed again later in the evening, perhaps she ate something that disagreed with her. Although the amount of beer and Tequila she drank all evening could have been a contributing factor
Your uncle Arthur has an odd sense of timing. Choosing to announce that he was gay at your party was interesting. His wife’s reaction in general wasn’t altogether unexpected, but I think she went a bit too far in hitting him with a chair and kicking him in the balls. You were right to have her arrested, but I think the arresting officers were just a bit harsh when they dragged her out by the feet. Mind you, I guess they were a bit pissed off by this time, after all that was their third visit to your house in one night, and – to be fair – she did try to grab one officers’ gun and shoot uncle Arthur, so maybe they didn’t really overreact.
I want you to know that it wasn’t me who shit all over the downstairs bathroom floor. I don’t care what your wife says, it was like that when I got there. Really. I wouldn’t do that to a friend. I did stink up the upstairs bathroom quite severely, I must admit that. It must have been something I ate the previous day, Breaking the window was a complete accident, I truly apologize for that, and of course I’ll be happy to pay for a replacement window, and the towel rack which landed in the front garden when the window broke. I think I must have fallen against the towel rack and that’s what caused the window to break, I didn’t throw the towel rack at the window, as your wife alleged. If I needed fresh air in the room I would simply have opened the window, not thrown something at it. It was unfortunate that it happened right as the shed caught fire, things were a little bit chaotic by that time.
Who were the delightful couple that decided to have sex on your basement pool table? It’s so nice to see two people who are that crazy about one another. I’m not sure what you’re going to be able to do about the stains on the pool table, it’s not like you can exactly wash the thing.
Oh, while we’re on that subject, I was very surprised to see your sister Anne giving a large black guy a blowjob in the back hallway (I was on my way to the downstairs bathroom, that’s how I came to see this happening). If that surprised me, I was completely amazed to see her doing the same thing some hours later to that construction guy from Puerto Rico – I mean the one who built your patio. Maybe he’s Mexican, I always get confused. It seems like she had a most enjoyable evening, and that’s the most important thing. She seemed a little unhappy when I told her I was going to call her Monica Lewinsky from now on. Hell I meant it as a compliment, but it’s not clear that she saw it that way.
Just as a matter of interest, do you have any idea who was responsible for stuffing a dead deer in your car? I think that’s one of the most unusual things I’ve ever seen. It looks as if the car hit a deer, but given that you live in the middle of suburbia, that’s a bit unlikely. You must have had a lot of fun removing it today, I hope you figured out what to actually do with a deer corpse, I mean it’s not something that you just shove in the garbage can. Well, you could I suppose, but the legs would tend to stick out, and for sure the garbage men would be bound to ask some questions you would have difficulty in answering.
Well, Thanks for the invitation, I sure hope that you invite me back the next time you decide to have a party like this. I don’t remember the last time I had so much fun.
